"I Knew This Had Gone Beyond What I Could Take."
I answered the phone to hear a man whisper, “I hope you can help me with this situation because, I confess, I’m at a loss.”
He was a senior VP with a female VP direct report who would regularly, “come into my office and start screaming at the top of her lungs. Sometimes it’s about something going on at work and sometimes it about something personal. I was so startled by this the first time that I figured the best thing to do was just let her blow off steam until she calms down, which usually happens within a few minutes.”
I asked how long this had been going on.
“It’s been happening about once a month for at least seven months now…ever since I’ve been in my current role and she’s reported to me.”
I asked him what I would come to see as the magic question, “What’s changed about this situation that made you give me a call?”
He said, “Well, yesterday was different. She came into my office, started screaming, and then she threw herself on the floor and rolled herself up in my oriental rug. She was rocking back and forth screaming and crying. There were tears spewing out the end of the rug. I thought she might be having a stroke or something.”
I asked how this scene ended.
“I just let her wind down and then go back to work like always. But that was it for me. I knew this had gone beyond what I could take. That’s why I called you.”
From a few more questions I learned that, while the caller had a private office, his office’s walls were paper thin and other members of his work group were situated nearby, which meant that the drama taking place within his office was never lost on those outside. I also learned that the woman about whom he was calling delivered solid technical performance and interacted with others in a civil and collaborative manner on the whole. As far as he knew, she reserved such outbursts for him alone.
I thanked him for calling and shared the following thoughts :
· In most workplaces there is a basic performance expectation that applies to everyone: we always will behave in a way that’s safe, civil, and collaborative.
· At least as many people lose their jobs because they break this first most basic performance expectation as lose their job because of incompetence in one or more of their technical performance expectations.
· The behavior this woman demonstrated within his office was way outside this basic performance expectation and needed to stop immediately.
I asked him if he agreed, and he did.
I shared the following observations:
· Other employees, although they perhaps pretended otherwise, could not possibly be unaware of this pattern because the screaming undoubtedly could be heard outside his office.
· Upon hearing these episodes, I asked him to imagine the impression created of both the woman in question and him as their leader. (More on this later.)
There was a long pause before he said, “That’s disturbing but you’ve got a point, and I needed to hear that.”
I gave him the following recommendations:
· Tomorrow, invite her to speak with you and arrange to meet either in a relatively public place — maybe over coffee in the cafeteria or in a conference room with windows onto a work area. (A relatively public place will often help a person who is prone to private outbursts remain calm.)
· Tell her that you need to have a serious conversation with her and ask if she can commit to staying with you in this conversation through some points that may be a bit challenging to hear. (This kind of preamble is an important tool that can help greatly when speaking with someone who has been volatile. Virtually everyone will agree to remain calm and focused and if they begin to escalate you can call them back to that commitment made at the start of the conversation. )
· Tell her that you were so worried by what she did in her last flare up within your office that you had gotten some confidential consultation to help you help her with this behavior. (This is important because it emphasiszes the seriousness of the concern and also marks a change from how you’ve managed her outbursts so far. You are letting the other person know that this is the beginning of a new approach, the start of a new shared history.)
· Tell her that she cannot ever again come into your office and start screaming like she has done in the past. Instead, you will expect her, just as you expect everyone else in the workplace that you both share, to consistently manage her emotions by demonstrating a conversational speaking tone and a demeanor that conveys a sense of safety and openness to collaboration with others.
· Remind her of the confidential resources that are available for helping all employees manage their emotions: Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and psychotherapy provided through the company’s medical insurance plan in this case.
· Let her know that, should she create another outburst, you will both need to see the outburst as a significant performance problem because, per the consultation you received, you need to emphasize that safe, civil, collaborative behavior is everyone’s most basic performance expectation.
I paused and asked if he had any questions. There was dead silence, which made me wonder what was going on for him.
I asked for his thoughts.
He said, “Sorry, I didn’t respond because I’ve been writing down all that you said and wanted to make sure I got it all. I will follow through on this tomorrow.”
He did follow through and so did she. The situation was resolved.
In followup conversations we talked about how allowing this woman to verbally explode within his office felt like a kind thing to do in the beginning and from there it became a pattern that was confusing and hard to break. However, such “kindness,” were it to continue, would undoubtedly prove detrimental to both his reputation as a leader (“What the hell is going on in there!”) and her reputation within the workplace (“Is she crazy!”). Nothing within our workplaces takes place in a vacuum, and everything that takes place in a work group reflects on that group’s leader.
Blowing the Whistle on Workplace Crazy: True stories (with names and other identifiers changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) and commentary from a mental health expert/leadership advisor/retired corporate executive. Crazy=bizarre, unexpected, sometimes darkly humorous.
Send your workplace stories to me at kenddv@gmail.com with the subject line “Workplace Crazy” and I’ll share (minus identifying details per your instructions) and respond to them here.